It’s been a while. We have been crazy busy. Lately all of my time has been focused on my youngest kiddo. She has been having a very rough time for the last nine months and it has recently come to an anxiety filled head. The poor child has spent much of the last few months in tears off and on. She hates to be away from me and forget about traveling. Yet we had a big family trip planned to another country. I tried a highly recommended book which helped but the closer we got to the trip the more difficult life became for her. We finally found a therapist who could get her in and seemed like a good fit, but we did not have many visits before we left. I tried a countdown calendar made by her to help her get ready. That did not help…in fact it may have made the anticipation worse. The early morning of the trip was filled with tears. She did not want to get in the car. Once I convinced her to get in she napped until we got there. Then there was a massive crying screaming as we got to the airport and had to get out. Then I had to convince her to get on the plane. She had to know where the bathroom was, and she had to have an aisle seat so she could flee to it when she needed to. Quiet crying and constant fidgeting was the order of the day. Nothing like 20 plus hours of travel on a plane next to an anxious kiddo to give you time to think about life.
Here this poor kiddo of only eight years old is filled with a shaking anxiety. Why? Because of me…yes I know that it is not really my fault. I know I did not cause this cancer. But it was me. It was my body. It was me who left her gymnastics early to head to the ER. I was the one who did not return for a week. I was the one who suddenly was not the super strong mom. I was the broken mom with no neck bones who she had to be careful around. The one who choked on my pills because my throat was messed up. I was the one who everyone was carefully dancing around. I was the one who always comforted her and suddenly couldn’t in the same way.
If she must take on the burden of worry about her mother then her mother will gladly take on the burden of being the only one she wants right now. I will be the one who she gets angry at. I will be the one whose arms she falls into. I will be the one who sits in a stinky castle bathroom while she seeks the quiet realm of the bathroom stall. I will be the one to find a way to make her laugh. I will stand by her side because I owe her. Because I am her mother. Because I love her more than I ever thought possible.